I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
