you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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