went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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