Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
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