I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
this is an emotional support booty call
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
