i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
