I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
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