Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
She's the barista slut.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
