I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Randomize
