Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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