Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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