Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
