I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
