I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
