Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
