So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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