i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
