i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Randomize
