I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I met the friendliest cop last night
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
