How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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