I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
