fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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