Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
