i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
