I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
God, I missed his penis.
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