Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
