On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
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