i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
