are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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