ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
