i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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