I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
