Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
