i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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