I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I will pee on everything he values.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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