My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
