so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
