I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
