I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
