dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
