Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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