Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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