Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Just pee around me
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
