A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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