The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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