I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
