I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
