Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Randomize
