things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
