I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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