so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
