New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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