VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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